I went to the cemetery.  I don't know how to explain how it felt.  Jeff's dad's stone is right next to Jeff.  I felt like I needed to whisper things to Jeff that I didn't want his dad to overhear.  I know.  I felt like an idiot.  I wrote I <3 YOU in the dirt, and pressed my handprint into it.  I wept.  I laughed.  I looked at the stones around his spot, and realized that some of the people I am friends with on earth will be my neighbors IN the earth. 

While Layna was in school, I went and did my taxes, and went to the bank to let them know about Jeff and ask about the checking account.  I kept Jeff's name on the new checks that I ordered, but I need to put one of the executors of my will on the account itself.  Didn't think I would have to deal with all of this so soon in life.

Hayden went to the bank and H&R Block both with me, and was an absolute little angel the entire time.  I gave him a sucker at the bank because he was being so good, and the girl at the desk gave him a sticker. The only problem was that he stunk, and I didn't bring a diaper bag with me.

So now, tomorrow, I will pay some bills, and perhaps work on the thank you notes some more.  The sooner I get them done, the sooner my dining room table will have room to have someone over for dinner.

Oh, and when we were at H&R Block, I had the receptionist verify our address, because of Jeff's common name.  She said, "You live at 808??!!  I live at 807!" She and her husband moved in across the street right around November, but things were so hectic, we had never met.  Then I heard, "Lynette!", and one of my childhood friends that I haven't seen in years was in there having HER taxes done.  She just found out she is going to be a grandma.  I pointed to Hayden, and she said, "Oh!  I thought he was yours!"  I get that a lot.

So, some accomplishments were made today, but still moving slow.

Oh.... and mom was sick.  We think she has the flu.  She went to the ER and they couldn't find anything else specifically wrong.  Hope she feels better tomorrow.

It's been a month today.  I haven't even been back out to the cemetery.

The thank you notes still aren't out.

The taxes aren't filed.

I miss you.  I ache just to see you. I SWEAR I could have heard you yell, "HEY!" the other day when I went to lay back down when the alarm went off.

I want to hold you.  I want to "surround" you so that you feel safe. I want to honor and treasure every little itty bitty thing you ever said or meant to say.

I want to be able to translate the messages in your draft file in your phone so that I can send them to the people that you obviously were thinking about in that brain of yours.  I want them to know what you wanted to tell them.

I want to hold you again.  I want to come up there and sit on the bank or in the boat and fish with you for a day. I don't care if we catch anything.  I don't care if we talk.  I just want to be with you.

I am finding notes that you left all over the house.  To-do notes.  some of which you could still do, but some I'm not sure.  One was to make Layna bacon and eggs for breakfast.  I remembered that one.  why didn't we do it????!!!!  You asked so little of me.

I love you so much Jeff.  How am I going to do this?  I am STAYING in this house.  THAT is what you wanted. This is where our grandchildren love to come and play and stay the night.  THIS is where THEY want to be able to come.  I can't let them down.

I'm tired, teary, and will most likely regret this post in the morning. ... but tonight, I have to let it all out. I MISS YOU!  I LOVE YOU!  I wish you could come back to me, but if that meant more pain for you, I don't want that. I don't like being Just Wendy.  We have been Wendy and Jeff for so long, it just doesn't sound right.  And I am SICK of the word WIDOW!  I am your WIFE!  Yes, death parted us, but I am your WIFE!

Why am I ok some days, and others I just want to hide.  I thought I was doing good.  I thought your service was beautiful. I thought I was ready to say good bye. I'm not so ready after all.

I'm getting my thank you notes out of here. I am going to clean each room.  I am going to hold a garage sale. I am keeping all of your special things for the kids to go through, so if there is something special that you want saved, come to me in a dream. TELL ME!

I miss you so much Jeff.  I thought I was prepared.  I thought I was handling myself just fine. I'm not.  So tonight when you see me sleeping, please let your spirit "surround" me like I surrounded you when you were so sick. I need to feel your presence, even if I can't feel your touch. PLEASE... if you can do that for me?

I love you. More than you will EVER KNOW. God, I miss you.